Just Ask Clintie!

Your favorite rocket scientist is back and ready to take your questions.
But first, a message from Clintie.

To all the 'Ask Clintie' fans:

I just wanted to take this opportunity to apologize to all the loyal 'Ask Clintie' supporters. I know that the past 6 months have been a difficult time for all of you--the Clinton impeachment, Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls, the fact that all five Backstreet Boys have remained safe and unharmed--and through all of this turmoil one person remains suspiciously absent. Clintie.

But I assure you, this time has not been spent in vain. For the past six months, I have been searching globe, finding better, slightly more accurate answers to your questions. I have learned the ways of the Buddist monks, the Zen masters of China, the Amish of Central PA, and the mystic Carnies of carnivals all over the nation, to bring you the most plausible-sounding answers I can muster. So I invite you to write in with any questions you might have about life, science, or the life-sciences. Thank you very much.

~Clintie

Dear Clintie:
Do you have any embarassing photos of Lisa's childhood that you could share with the rest of the world? I think I speak for many of us "Baggermaniacs" when I say that we'd be delighted to share your memories with us.

Plus, we'd like to sell them to the same Internet company that outed Dr. Laura and Mr. and Mrs. Tommy Lee. (www.clublove.com)

Sincerely,
Jody Oaks
Baggermaniac since '89

Indeed I do have several embarassing photos of Lisa during here many and varied awkward phases. I have one of Lisa during her days touring with Menudo, a shot of her during her Amish phase [EDITOR'S NOTE: What is it with Clintie and the Amish?] where she only wore black and white and would never watch TV (except The Golden Girls on Saturday nights), and one particulary interesting one taken during the 4 months in which she dated Hugh Hefner. Unfortunately, Jody, I've already tried selling them to "Clublove", but they were to disturbing to be posted, so for the time being, they shall remain hidden.

Dear Clintie,

You know on really hot days when you look at pavement and right above it, everything you see is sort of wavy and weird, like the air is melting? What's that all about?
—Sizzling in San Francisco

On those hot days when you see the weird wavy lines coming off the concrete, it isn't just a flashback from the days when you used to follow the Dead. What's actually happening is the concrete is absorbing the heat from the sun, making it hotter than the air. As a result, the concrete heats the air directly above it and the air starts to rise. That's when you see those translucent, wavy lines right above the ground. However, if you start seeing visions of Jerry Garcia, it's important to remember that those are NOT caused by the heating of concrete and you should seek help immediately.

Dear Clintie, How do you go to the bathroom in space?

There's device that the astronauts use that's very similar to a vacuum cleaner. Although I've never tried it personally, I understand that it's very effective in zero g. Also, there will be an extra supply of "male control garments" that will be flown on John Glenn's flight in late October.

Dear Clintie, recently my friend's dog suffered a horrible accident while running wild off of his leash in the valley which resulted in major blood loss and a broken leg. thankfully he recovered but now we are stuck with the burning question of whether or not he was given human blood in his transfusion. does every animal have it's own blood makeup? if so should my dog be donating routinely in case of a future accident? or perhaps i should see if my blood type is compatible with hers and then we can be a kind of "family bank" for future trauma emergencies. i have consulted various professionals and noone has been able to give me a concrete answer on this. can you help.
—Type 0 in Ohio

Well, Type O, dogs have blood that is different from humans. It is thicker and has a much higher kibble content, so donating blood to your friend's sick dog, while very noble, is of no use to poor, lacerated Jasper. Also, canine blood has many more varieties than human blood, so finding blood to match your dog's is often very difficult (scientists are right now working on artificial canine blood, but right now it's not yet commericially available). So I would recommend that you take Jasper to the vet at least twice a year and have him donate a pint of his own kibble-rich blood. If nothing else, he'll love you for the Snausages that the vet gives him when he's done.

Dear Clintie, where did you learn to slack-jaw like your sister? Did she teach you, or is it hereditary?

The "Baggerman Slack-Jaw" (or BSJ as it is known in medical circles), is an affliction that has plagued every member of the Baggerman clan for millennia. The first recorded instance of BSJ was recorded by three French archeologists who found the following hieroglyphs on a cave wall in Northern Europe in 1977:

Dear Clintie, Is it appropriate to serve Beef Wellington in the summer months?
—Steamed in the kitchen, Covington, KY

Beef Wellington is most decidedly not appropriate for the summer months. However, there are many tasty dishes that you can serve at your luncheons and dinner parties that would be very suitable replacements. Personally, I recommend Kahns Old Fashion Hot Dogs (boiled), served with a fine malt liquor (preferably Colt .45 or Phat Boy).

Dear Clintie:
We have a question for you. Do you like that Lisa calls you "Clintie"? 2) Are our tax dollars supporting this frivolous venture through NASA's connection to the Internet?
—Curious in Cincinnati

No, Curious, I don't like being called "Clintie". As a 23-year-old man, I find the nickname undermines my credibilty as an engineer and a soon-to-be college graduate. Ideally, I'd prefer a nickname more suitable to my character, such as "Funkmaster C," "Snoop Clinty Clint," or just "Money." Unfortunately, none of have seemed to stick.

2) No Comment.